Tag Archives: Dating

The Generational Shift

It was a Tuesday night when I met up with a girl friend with every intention to go to a party thrown by my idol, Demetria Lucas. However, her recent (and well deserved) rise in popularity resulted in an over-capacity event and a overwhelmed bouncer.

We walked along the Lower East Side, looking for a nice place to grab a drink, letting the lights from the Empire State Building guide our footsteps. Our conversation bounced back and forth between topics: career, men, family, friends, and that wild Saturday night that left us all in shambles. We settled in at La Linea, a dark little dive that plays great music, enjoyed $4 Blue Moons and great conversation.

It was in La Linea that I realized how much priorities shift as each generation goes through the motions of life. My grandmother left her southern home and boarded a bus to Boston for a man who promised he would be her husband. Her focus was him (and eventually their children), and she did everything she could to ensure her safe arrival in Boston. Nanny was no fool, she had back-up accommodations at the Y and a job waiting to ensure her own funds, but she moved for him.

My mother learned independence from my grandmother. She spent her years after college with a focus on higher education and job success. When she met my father, her intentions were not to find her husband. She met him randomly and was open to the idea of a date. When he took her to the movies, my mother insisted they use her free movie vouchers – nothing standard about her.

What I’ve learned from them is to always have a back up plan, and to always strive for success; the rest will fall into place. As a result, I am clearly my grandmother’s grandchild. I am obviously my mother’s daughter. I am not your “normal” twenty-something woman (whatever that may be).

So for me, the fact that I am 26 and single is not “awkward” or “unfortunate” and I certainly don’t find it “unusual” as generations before me might. My focus is on keeping a job, keeping a home (read: rented apartment in NY), and keeping my friends near. My focus isn’t on creating a home… my focus is on creating my financial legacy (and apparently listening to Independent Women pt. 1 by Destiny’s Child).

Does that make me more like my male counterparts in some ways? To spend more time building a steady cushion while enjoying being a twenty-something prior to redirecting my attention to the rest? As my girl and I discussed this, I couldn’t help but wonder, where does it level out? Where do we, the Generation Y kids, submit to the same urge the generations before us have?

Xx, Maiah

Friends with Benefits: Tips for Men & Women on How to Survive


Trouble.

When you google Friends with Benefits, the results almost always revolve around the following: does it work, what are the pros and cons?, how do I turn it into a relationship?, and what are the rules?  So, when my boy asked me to pen a post on the topic, I had to take ample time to think it through. And by ample time I mean he asked me in the summer and I’m just getting around to putting my thoughts into cohesive sentences.

You see, there are hardly any realistic images of what it really means to enter this kind of relationship. Meaning – women watch movies like When Harry Met Sally, No Strings Attached, and the aptly named Friends with Benefits (warning all links are end scenes. If you haven’t seen these movies, do.not.click!) and see these “situationships” turn into real relationships. -_- The reality of the situation is that this is hardly the case but women have been trained to think it’s a possibility because of the representation on the silver screen.

I think there are a few things both parties need to keep in mind when entering into this kind of situationship -  Continue reading

The Cardinal Rules Of Dating

“Oh, you’re waiting on that dude aren’t you?” He said with a smirk, looking me up and down like a fool.

“What? Who?” I said, confused. And annoyed. I didn’t know this man and for some reason he thought he had some sort of insight into my personal life.

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If you don't shut up right now... [via

“You’re waiting on that dude! I can tell. Looking all sad. Peeking at the door every time it opens.” He continued with the same smirk I was dying to reach up and smack off his face. He continued to taunt me for a good 30 minutes until I stood up and walked to the bar for another drink just to get away. He was in a situation with one of my girls who clearly told him all my business (which wasn’t her’s to tell).The thing is, when people enter relationships, the line of appropriateness gets blurry. I know that what I tell my friend is instantly her boyfriend’s new knowledge as well. It’s not right, but it’s okay because most men know to keep that knowledge under wraps until I bring it up myself and then they feign surprise (and maybe tell me about myself a little bit. That’s love).

However, this man from that fateful night at the bar was no one’s significant other. He was just someone’s situation who had been told my business in confidence. And he broke the first cardinal rule of being someone’s “man-thing”. It got me thinking about the rules of dating and since it seems like some people don’t know the rules, I’m going to detail them below:

Maiah’s Top Three Rules of Dating:

3. If You Like it, I Love it.

This rule applies to all kinds of relationships – if you like it, I love it. Dating a dude I secretly hate? Doesn’t matter. If you’re happy, I’m happy. Hate your girlfriend’s best friend? Doesn’t matter. If you like her, I love her. Hate your boyfriend’s favorite shirt? Doesn’t matter. If you like it, I love it. It’s that simple.

2. Remember Gender

I was complaining about a boy to my girl and she once reminded me of the following: ”forgive him, for he is a male, and simple minded.” It solved everything. Later I realized this can’t be just one sided,so clearly the inverse of this would be, “forgive her, for she is a woman, and slightly crazy.” Womp.

1. What Goes In One Ear Goes Right Out The Other

This rule is dedicated to my new friend from above. Don’t forget this one, dude. It’s no joke.

Public Service Announcement: Ladies Beware! Men!

I have been part of a series of texts that I feel the need to share with all the ladies out there. Thanks to my fancy iPhone 4s, I took these lovely screenshots, and then gussied them up in PowerPoint (shh) for your enjoyment.
I should probably give you the backstory. We met at my girl’s second annual Halloween party, where he professed his love within 15 minutes of us meeting. Perhaps I was entertaining the idea that I’d just found 2012′s boyfriend. Despite his constant texts calling me “sweetie”, the glitter and sparkles quickly wore off when I discovered this “single man” was actually taken. So on Saturday night, while fueled by the power of a few vodka sodas, I finally sent him a simple text back: “you calling me sweetie or your girlfriend?” See the rest for yourself:

Now, let’s dissect these texts. Please follow along with the numbers as detailed above and below:
  1. Stop sending me photos like we’re close. I don’t know you, man. 
  2. How many times can you call someone sweetie? In my messages I count over 10 times. That’s more than once a day for an entire week. 
  3. You got caught. Don’t diffuse the truth with an “lol”.
  4. Yes, I have you on Facebook. And your account isn’t private, therefore anything in is public knowledge as supplied by you. As Larissa put it: “people now-a-days don’t realize that anyone can find who you are and what you do. If you’re ballsy enough to put your business out there, then you’re ballsy enough to get called on it.” And besides, who gon’ check me, boo?
  5. Does your girlfriend really do her own thing? Does she know you’re doing yours? Girls aren’t always as “free spirited” as they say.
  6. See ya!

So be careful out there, ladies. It’s a dog eat dog world. If you need help dissecting texts or are in need of an anthem to help you forget the foolishness, you can always turn to me.

My Love Is Like … Clay?

I get my eyebrows threaded at this great little hole in the wall place in Astoria on Broadway. I love it because the prices are cheap ($6), the women don’t talk much, it always smells like incense (which reminds me of my father’s man cave), and there’s always some sort of Bollywood movie playing on repeat. As I closed my eyes and settled in for the threading, I started to reminisce on my previous obsession with Bollywood… it fell parallel to a man I was dating at the time.

We met at a Central Park picnic. I slipped in mud and he cleaned my foot with ice. That’s when I knew he was putty in my hands. He showed up at my birthday party a few weeks later and we were inseparable from then on. On my favorite date with him, we ended up at a gorgeous UES restaurant where he ordered everything for me (something some women hate but I happen to love). Several of the items were more traditional, and not on the more America-friendly menu. It was at that point that I fell in love with his culture and thought of myself as an “insider”. My Netflix queue held a disproportionate amount of Bollywood movies, I cooked Bhindi Masala and Baingan Bharta like it was part of me, and when I went out to dinner, I ordered off the menu like I knew what I was talking about. He introduced me to the smooth sounds of The Gotan Project, a quirky Parisian electro/nuevo-tango group.

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In 2005 I studied abroad in London and met the former love of my life, referred to on the blog as Old Flame. He introduced me to the real London, he showed me the joys of the outer city and the underbelly of Harrod’s (he was a pastry chef there) and as we dated, I felt myself growing. It might have just been me getting fat because he was a pastry chef and was always feeding me treats. It also might have been my heart exploding, which was an unfamiliar feeling at the time (also known as “falling in love”). Regardless, I was hooked and as a result, I started to mold myself to him. While in London I started baking uncontrollably. I ran around the Harrod’s food halls like I owned the place, and I toyed with the idea of permanently to the UK daily. Because of his Parisian roots, I vowed to learn French – I even took adult language classes at night after school when I returned to the states.. He introduced me to Cornielle, a French R&B; crooner with family in Germany, Rwanda and Canada.

I mean, the examples could go on, and on, and on. The more I got to thinking about it, the more curious I became about how I change as I date. Thinking about this on Sunday afternoon, I took to my iTunes and ran through my music. Unchecked song after unchecked song brought back memories of a lover, an ex-boyfriend, or a situation that ended in tears. I realized that my iTunes steadily reflects exactly who I’ve dated. The timestamp of their download date highlights when we were together, and the missing check is an easy indication of their departure.

Being a music head, my initial thoughts were sadness towards all of the wasted music. You’re supposed to grow and change, and your realities are supposed to be expanded when you date someone. But the more I reflected I couldn’t help but wonder… how much is too much?

Is the Internet Ruining Our Future Relationships?

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I keep hearing these stories by my friends about the various ways in which the internet is causing strain on either a potential or current relationship. So much so that I felt the need to sit down and write about it.

I think it’s becoming an epidemic. We meet someone organically, then we learn about them in an inorganic way through Google, Facebook, Twitter, or whatever else is out there. Pick your poison, either way we’re gaining intimate knowledge too quickly.

In short, the answer is yes the internet is ruining our relationships. But, in talking with Dushane of The Post Cool about the issue, he brought up an important point:

Is it ruining relationships or saving you from future tragic discoveries? 


Perhaps he’s right. In an episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stranger sent NFL player Freddie Mitchell on what was supposed to be an enjoyable date with a southern belle and former cheerleader. The date ended in shock when she confessed she googled him and called the millionaire out for not paying child support. This is likely a subject that would have been broached in conversation when the time was right. Because she googled him, it was inappropriately brought up on their first date and signaled the demise of their budding relationship. Perhaps she avoided a future tragic discovery, but in the meantime, she also put the fire out on what could have been a fun and exciting relationship between two former athletes.

A friend of mine recently confessed that she’d gotten to googling a date just hours before they were due to meet. After searching a number of articles, she found several that mentioned his wife and children. She panicked, and cancelled the date immediately. We ran through our options quickly: “When was the article written?” I asked. She wasn’t sure. “Maybe he’s since divorced or separated…” I suggested but it was too late, the damage was done and the date stayed cancelled.

I’ve been crushing on a man at my gym recently. We flirt by the weights and I always practice my highest kicks if he’s walking by the Total Body Fitness class. I’m gonna go ahead and classify this as love at first highkick. I knew his first name and that he lived in Queens, so I took to google. After a bit of digging, I found his MySpace page. MySpace? Really? I clicked around and found a series of notes written by my gymcrush, all written in full capitals with no punctuation and spelling errors galore. Needless to say, now, when I see gymcrush I think “why do you still have a MySpace” and “did you go to college?“. Clearly, we’re going nowhere fast.

I have no clue what’s right and what’s wrong in this situation. However, I do know that if you go looking for dirt you’re bound to get dirty. While we may be saving ourselves from future tragic discoveries, we’re also forfeiting the life changing moments (both good and bad) of going through a relationship. Regardless of the outcome, you’re often changed for the better.

Now, is that really so bad? 

Guest Post: The Five Mistakes Women Make During Sports Season

I read a post on a blog a while ago that outlined a few tips for women on proper sports season behavior. It was pretty funny, but got me thinking about the male perspective. So I obviously reached out to my favorite dude for a little advice and he basically sent me a banging guest post. Poignant, heartfelt, and hysterical, I couldn’t let another day go by without sharing this with you. Ladies, listen up. Men, comment if you agree.

Without further ado, please enjoy this guest post by my boy Jah entitled: The Five Mistakes Women Make During Sports Season

Let me start out by saying that there are 4 types of women when it comes to sports:

  1. The TRUE sports fan: One that knows a sport(s), knows the players, and understands the game.
  2. The OCCASIONAL sports fan: Kinda keeps up sometimes, has a general interest but doesn’t try to pretend she is a wiz.
  3. The FAKE sports fan: The one who really knows nothing about sports… only knows a select few players, still thinks Michael Jordan is in the NBA, doesn’t know what a “touchdown” means, still thinks a quarterback is a refund (old school joke), cheers for whatever team is in the lead, roots for the team with the cutest players or the best uniforms, or the team the boy they like is going for…just plain annoying.
  4. The NON-sports fan: Does not care about sports at all… doesn’t even attempt to pretend she’s interested… would rather watch reality TV, read or sleep while games are on. She might sit and pretend to watch but her mind is certainly elsewhere.

Let me now say that it might be impossible for me to keep my list of mistakes at 5….but let’s try.

  1. If you have a husband/boyfriend/hookup that compromises with you more than enough, leave him alone when the game is on. If you want to sit and be supportive that is fine; however it is not your time to talk and ask a bunch of questions related/unrelated. Questions are mainly for before and/or after the game.
  2. It is not all about you. Do not constantly position yourself in front of the television when you don’t feel like you’re getting enough attention. I am pretty sure when games are not on, you get plenty. If not, that is a totally different issue (you might need a new man).
  3. Do not huff and puff, and make noises that show your disinterest. It is a personal problem if you can’t entertain yourself for the 2 hours the game is on. That does not mean you have to kill the excitement for us.
  4. DO NOT try to “get busy” while games are on. Fcuk you – go that way. I hate when girls try to get all sexy just to see if you will stop watching the game to play around with them. There is a time and place for everything. There’s nothing worse than a girl trying to test you – and then she gets mad when you don’t stop everything you’re doing. Where is all of that sexy interest in me when Sex & the City is on? Don’t worry I’ll wait…
  5. Understand that a man’s interests are exactly that. He loved sports before you got there, he’ll love them while you’re around, and if the relationship doesn’t last he’ll still love sports when you’re gone. Do everyone a favor and accept that. Stop trying to change guys into that ideal fantasy guy you dream up while you’re in LALA LAND. Nobody is perfect and I’m pretty sure the dude isn’t distracting you from some of the random nonsense you love to do.

If women can learn some of these important tips, a perfect season is in the near future. Compromise and acceptance are important. Ladies, leave guys alone when they’re in their zone. It actually works in your favor when you aren’t the annoying girlfriend. We’ll want to spend more time with you later on.

Oh, and do yourselves a favor. Stop having SUPERBOWL parties. You don’t have a CLUE what’s going on. #KNOCKITOFF

The Cheating Curve

I’m a little fascinated with the idea of cheating. 
so is he…

I suppose this fascination began over a few beers with my girlfriends at Studio Square Beer Garden in Queens. My mentality, as the single one at the table, was “good luck to the dude who cheats on me.” The rest of them weren’t so quick to pull the trigger. The thought was that cheating in a serious, committed relationship, should warrant a more thorough evaluation of a relationship. In my mind, the issue was clear and cheating was a deal breaker. Both Margaret and Larissa spoke calmly, highlighting that there’s simply more to consider. So, I took to the interwebs to try and better understand why men cheat (yes, they cheat more), and why women stay.

I was immediately struck by an old interview with Sandi Jackson (wife of Jesse Jackson Jr). In 2008 news outlets exploded with the news of her husband’s infidelity. She notes that when the Clinton scandal reached headlines, her initial thought was “Hillary should leave Bill.” When faced with the situation in her own reality, Jackson notes:

“When the ‘beast’ lands at your door, it can be a very, very different experience. No one really knows what they are going to do until they are in that situation. When it happens to you it’s amazing how what you once thought was black and white becomes variations of a color called gray.”{source}

I was intrigued with the idea that strict thinking could switch to a more open-minded stance. I took to Twitter, asking for more perspectives (in 140 characters or less) from the female mindset. Instead, I was inundated with emails and tweet-stories from my favorites. The prompt? @maiah: Is cheating within your dating/marriage deal breakers? Would you stay & try to fix?” Below are excerpts from the replies:

Allie: As a firm believer in the sanctity of marriage and not using the “quick fix” of divorce that I feel many people tend to do… I don’t think infidelity would be the catalyst that forces me to leave the marriage. I think I would work relentlessly to fix my relationship whether I was seriously dating or already married. Vows shouldnt be taken lightly as you pledge them before God and all the people that you love. In the same vain, with the seriousness of these vows your taking you shouldn’t be cheating, but I digress.

Brittany: My boss (a man) just told me, “well, wouldn’t you think it’s your fault why your husband is cheating?” (mj commentary: pause.) “Take Arnold for example. They said he was having a sex-less marriage. So, why wouldn’t he cheat?” Girl! I can’t! I met a guy, fell soo hard for this dude to find out he was married with two kids! I asked him, “how could you be married and telling your wife the same shit [you tell me]? This fool goes on to say that he’s with her for their kids. Man, listen: if you’re unhappy it’s better to go your separate ways before it gets to the point where you want to cheat.

Shay: It’s a deal breaker. I’m not a believer in appreciating what I have when it’s gone. My worth, sanity & love means too much for that BS. Considering my last relationship: he cheated & blatantly told me that he just “felt like doing it but regretted when he saw me hurt…” I was young, insecure, and wanted this older man to love me like I did him. So I stayed. Biggest mistake ever. Wasn’t paranoid. Didn’t check his stuff. Nothing. And that was the problem. I checked out. I wasn’t me. So, after coming out or my zombie phase, being a little more assured in myself and never being the person who didn’t learn from mistakes I vowed to let go. I refuse to not see gain in ANYthing I invest in. Relationships included.

I was awestruck by these awesome women I call my friends. So many important key points are listed above but the top three resonate with me most. My initial black and white tunnel vision has dissipated somewhat. And regardless of whether or not I’m in a happy or troubled marriage in the future, I’ll keep the following life lessons (courtesy of my girls) in mind:

  1. The importance of vows and hard work.
  2. Satisfaction (sex) matters.
  3. Don’t lose yourself.
Ladies, please let me know your thoughts on the subject!
And men, I want to hear from you too. Too harsh?

Public Service Announcement: Sleepover Tips

In my time exploring potential relationships (or enjoying situationships) I’d like to think I’ve learned a few things. Not just about myself or the other person, but about the little things that make relationships between men and women work (or not work).

Initially, I didn’t think it would be a good move to share my tips and tricks (because then I’d have to kill you). But after a phone conversation filled with giggles and guffaws I realized this might be an interesting topic for more than just by best girlfriends. So here goes – my top 3 tips for sleepovers.

Joey & Dawson could never get it right either! [via]

Stay at his house
I know, I know. I prefer my house. We all do. Because boys aren’t clean, and they aren’t as aware of what women think is comfortable (seriously, what is up with men and leather seating? Leather couch + NYC summer heat ≠ comfort). However, I’ve learned that there’s something about going to his place that makes men feel amazing. When I finally agreed to spend the night at an old situationship’s apartment he walked around like a king. Literally. I can’t quite figure it out but I think it has to do with being able to say “I’m fittin’ to take her home”.

Stay fresh
I’m a huge fan of the surprise “travel bag”. I call it a surprise because no one should know about it but you. Just pack a few small things in your purse and beef up the contents of your make up bag and you should be all set. My favorites? A toothbrush, a small travel deodorant, roll-on perfume (Sephora has a great selection), sunglasses (so necessary for a rough Sunday morning), and panties. Keep in mind, the larger the purse, the more fun things you can bring without utilizing a travel bag. My Louis Neverfull MM does the trick perfectly!

Don’t get too comfortable
I honestly think one of the most important things to remember is that his house is not your house. Don’t start cooking up a storm, definitely don’t clean up shit, and definitely don’t start leaving your stuff there like it’s okay without a major relationship talk first. This rule about comfort is the hardest one for me as I’m the kind of person who loves to give as much as I can. But I’ve learned through experience (and also while reading #BelleBook) that the biggest downfall to a situationship is acting like it’s a relationship.

What are your favorite tips for successful sleepovers?

The Blame Game

I’m totally entranced by this whole glorification of cheating, mistresses, and infidelity. I suppose my fascination started with Eliot Spitzer (aka Client No. 9) and his female escort “Kristen” (government name: Ashley Alexandra Dupre). When the news broke in the spring of 2008, news outlets went crazy. Additionally, readers went crazy waiting for the next great headline pun, and I went crazy trying to understand why this girl, who is my age, wass servicing someone like Client No. 9 while I (recently graduated) was trying to understand what 401k meant.

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Regardless, I was still fascinated by the whole thing. Very quickly, Spitzer resigned, his silent and stoic wife communicated pain in standing by her husband, and Ashley Dupre was propelled to fame. Why? How? I didn’t get it. Now, Spitzer is on the rise with his own show on CNN and along those same lines, Dupre is co-staring in what I imagine will be a Comedy of Errors about celebrities creating their own restaurants. Oy, enough.

Then there’s Tiger Woods, who’s exploits made no sense whatsoever. After woman number 5 I just gave up on trying to keep up with the news. The one thing I’ll never forget his how completely poetic it seemed for his wife to whoop his ass with a golf club. I guess what makes you, breaks you.

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And let’s please not forget about everyone’s favorite home wrecker singer Alicia Keys and her new hubby Swizz Beatz. Alicia graces the cover of Essence this month, within which she says her relationship with Swizz was no where near inappropriate, stating the two started dating after he and his then wife Mashonda separated. There was another woman in the mix, who also gave birth to a child fathered by Swizz and I am sure she was highly influential in he and Mashonda’s divorce. That said, seeing the happiness of Alicia and Swizz side by side with the heartbreak of Mashonda’s on Love & Hip Hop was saddening. And while I celebrate love, I do think Alicia needs to be careful because, as all women know, how you get them is how you lose them.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of “The Blame Game”, within which I’ll review Something Borrowed (the book and the movie) and detail a scene from tonight where 6 weird girls were arguing in the movie theatre about who was right and who was wrong. Oh wait, that was us…